Although I have had the illness since my pre-toddler days, I was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in February 1998 after a total meltdown in my office at work. One of the owners of the company I worked for, who was like a father to me, with tears in his eyes, told me to get help. I did and was thus finally diagnosed.
I entered a 2+ decade of on and off therapy sessions, and after more than 5 years, I have started them up again. August is a particularly bad month for me. My son suddenly died August 17, 2019, and I grieve every day. While I have been able to cope, it is the month of August where I hit my lows. This, and by itself, has not been much of a problem for me to overcome. But this month was different.
You never know what triggers an episode. It could be a major incident, or it could be the smallest of issues that people will tell me that I blew way out of proportion. That may be, but it does not change the fact that I am not able to deal with it at that time. It is not a function of my will. For those who think differently, you have no knowledge of depression. That is what happened last weekend for me.
This is my 9th season writing for a blog on the Dodgers. Mark Timmons asked me in February 2017 to write for LADT. It was less than a month after my oldest son suffered a stroke, and as we are now learning was triggered by baseball and how MiLB dealt with injuries. For me, it was divine intervention (yes, I am a believer). Writing is something that I have always loved to do, and it has generally freed me from some really tough situations growing up. So I accepted the challenge.
I understood why Mark would get upset at LAD fans and their incessant complaints about a team and POBO that was always in the playoffs, won a WS that should have been 2. After the 2021 season, I no longer could deal with the negativity myself, but more importantly, the name calling. I told Mark that I appreciated all that he did for me, but I needed to leave.
One of my readers (not much for commenting) reached out to me and said I should start my own blog, and he would help me. He lives in the Sacramento area, and we have become friends. So, not knowing a thing how these blogs are generated, or maintained, or the cost, I started LADC, and it went live for the 2022 season. I had two friends who also used to write with Mark join me, Harold Uhlman and Rob Schelling.
Harold has passed, and Rob had to leave LADC as a writer. Bear then joined me at LADC. Bear has become a true friend and has helped me keep this site going. I was not confident that it would last a year, and now we are at the tail end of our 4th season.
So what was the trigger this time? It came down to a few commenters, and one in particular, that pushed me over the edge with their negativity about the Dodgers, AF, and the trade deadline. I cannot tell you why this happened. It is not as if these commenters do not continually tear down the Dodgers/AF, and I have never reacted the way I did this time. I have always let my smartass mouth respond without resorting to name calling. I wrote 4-5 posts, and trashed them all because my negativity was just as bad, but it was directed to commenters here and not the team or players. That is why I started this blog, to give fans a safe place to write comments, positive AND negative, without retribution.
I asked Bear to help me out during this time, and he has overwhelmingly done so.
At my Starbucks “office”, my friends asked why don’t I just block the individuals who are making me feel this way. My response has never changed. I will not block anyone who complains about the Dodgers in anyway. If you go after me or another commenter personally, that will cause one to lose privileges here.
I do not think it is a secret that one of those commenters was Scott and as negative as he generally is. While I vehemently disagree with him, I let him vent, sometimes comment in response, and move on.
Here are a couple of comments that he made last year after Game 3 of the NLDS against San Diego.
“I think we’ve all seen enough of this right? How many more seasons of this? Please fire Friedman. #FireFriedman”
“Total choke. Again. It’s beyond time to move on from the Roberts/Friedman era. How long does Guggenheim accept this kind of failure? Please clean house this winter Guggenheim.”
Right in the middle of the playoffs!! And I let it go. Never thought to do anything else. We know he was wrong, and he did give a mea culpa and call himself a moron. He is back doing it again this year, and I am not sure another mea culpa will do it for me this year. Scott can write negatively all he wants, but if the Dodgers lose this year, I think I will give him 15 minutes to spout his I Told You So’s.
Why was this year at the trade deadline different? I cannot answer that. It was just a trigger at the wrong time for me.
I am in the AF camp and do not believe in giving up top 100 prospects for relievers at the deadline, when those same relievers, or similar, can be traded for with less prospect capital in the off season. Or in the LAD case picked up off waivers and turned around. That being said, I see no way they could have matched San Diego’s package for Miller. I also do not believe that the Dodgers could have matched Philadelphia’s package to Minnesota for Jhoan Duran. Minnesota wanted a top catcher prospect, and they got a top 100 prospect in Eduardo Tait, and another top 100 prospect in pitcher Mick Abel. Dodgers do not have a catcher prospect anywhere near top 100. After the graduation of Dalton Rushing, the Dodgers no longer have a catcher in their top 30. The only top 100 pitcher LAD has is Jackson Ferris.
I do acknowledge that they could have matched the prospect capital for David Bednar. They chose not to. Maybe AF/BG believes in Tanner Scott, Blake Treinen, and Michael Kopech to work things out in the next two months more than the fans. I also believe that AF/BG believes that Roki Sasaki will be back.
To say the Dodgers did not have a better trade deadline than 2024 is not accurate IMO.
2024 – RHSP Jack Flaherty, utility Tommy Edman, and RHRP Michael Kopech
2025 – OF Alex Call, and RHRP Brock Stewart. Not to mention, Blake Snell, Max Muncy, Michael Kopech, Tanner Scott, and the aforementioned Sasaki.
That does not include the additional prospect capital they received in the Hunter Feduccia and Dustin May trades.
Tommy Edman was injured for the entire season up to the trade deadline, and nobody knew how he would turn out. He was not activated until 3 weeks after he was acquired. Alex Call was having a very good season for a 4th OF in Washington. With Washington, 237 PA, Call slashed .274/.371/.386/.756, with 26 BB and 36 K. He is a contact hitter far more than a SLG hitter. Some of us were calling for that. He is also a pretty good defensive OF who can play all three OF positions.
I will take Blake Snell over Jack Flaherty.
Kopech was not a particularly good reliever in 2024 BEFORE LAD got him.
- 43 games – 43.2 IP, 4.74 ERA, 1.351 WHIP, 9 saves, 5 blown saves, 1 hold, 2-8 record.
I think it is a stretch to say that Brock Stewart was not as good of an acquisition.
- 39 games – 34.0 IP, 2.38 ERA, 1.088 WHIP, 0 saves, 1 blown save, 14 holds, 2-1 record.
It is clear, at least to me, that Stewart was a productive high leverage, setup reliever for Minnesota.
I do not expect David Bednar, or Camilo Doval, to pitch as poorly as they have thus far with NYY. Also, as unimpressive as Stewart has been for LAD, I do expect him to return to his Minnesota level of production. Maybe he will, maybe he will not. But at the time of the trade, he was a better acquisition than Kopech was in 2024.
We will never learn what the Dodgers were willing to offer for any of the closers at the deadline, nor what the trading teams were insisting on in return. To criticize AF/BG seems to indicate that you believe you do know and believe it was worth it. I think it is especially rich for those who were insistent that AF/BG sign Tanner Scott, and now believe it was a mistake. They now believe that a better option is for a different closer that will cost elite prospects. I am not saying they are wrong, we just disagree. I am more than willing to wait on Tanner Scott and Michael Kopech to return, and for Blake Treinen to work the kinks out. I am even anxious to see what Bobby Miller might be able to do.
Not one trade would have turned this team around. Not Steven Kwan, Jarren Duran, Ramón Laureano, Jhoan Duran, David Bednar, Ryan Helsley, nor Mason Miller. What this team needs is what they got in Game 2 vs St. Louis…hitting at the top of the order, and the return of Max Muncy.
The situation the Dodgers are in is not on AF/BG. They built a championship caliber team, and nobody is really close on paper. This is all on the players. AF/BG did their job, and now it is up to the players to perform.
I have now got that off my chest, and while Scott was the primary impetus to my episode, he was not alone. I do not blame Scott or anyone else. This has been ALL on me. I just need to work through it, just like the Dodgers hitters and Brock Stewart.
I am hoping that I can return with a “normal” output of posts. But as quickly as this episode hit, I cannot promise. I think for a while, I am going to focus more on MiLB. Additionally, I will reserve my responses to the negative comments as much as I can.
Okay, as tedraymond would say, Carry On.
Jeff,
I’ve read for many years, almost since the beginning of LADT, and haven’t posted in years, and never before on your site. I always read with interest. The first half of your post today brought me to tears.
I’ve lost 2 children and know the depths of despair from such passings. Thank you for your post. I deeply hope it helps you in your healing process. Others can’t know the trials you are dealing with.
Please, always commit to working through and completing to process to better days. Hold firm that this will pass. Never, ever give up. No matter how bleak, the light will shine again.
Thank you for sharing.
Stay strong.
Be more blessed every day.
Thank you. I really appreciate it. This means a lot to me.
As someone who has depression in their family, I commend your openness and your willingness to treat it.
If we can get rid of the nimrod atop of the FDA, there are some great medical therapies on the horizon.
finally, do I have your permission to use this post as a reason to continue with my optimism?
That was, of course, a joke.
Jeff, I am proud that I have been able to help. I also feel for you. My son has dealt with depression for several years. Under similar circumstances, except his son was 7 when he died, and it was because his stepfather basically starved the kid to death. I had to talk my son out of doing something very stupid. Every year around the time of his passing, my son goes into a deep funk. I do not blame him one bit. I myself have been extremely lucky and never lost a child. I am blessed that my three children are alive and except for Chandler, all of my grandchildren are well and healthy. Chandler was the only grandchild I never met. I was on the road driving long haul, my son was in the Navy, and I never met the child’s mother. You will continue to have my support for as long as you need it. God bless.
Jeff, I am sorry about your depression episodes and understand that many people do not understand or accept this condition. I also go through these episodes if though I have a very hard time understanding why they affect me. Although I cannot offer any advice about these episodes, I will offer some support and understanding and a suggestion. There are some angry people out there. Don’t let them get to you and don’t worry about cutting them off. Most of your audience agrees with you and will actually be very happy if those angry people were banned.
Hang in there Jeff. Remember you are not alone. It is OK to not feel OK.
Jeff,
Scott goes beyond just being a ‘negative’ poster. And he doesn’t add anything to this terrific site. He has his own site. I think if you banished him, no one here would object. Let him post his bile there. Just read what you just posted. This guy is making you ill, but to be fair you keep him here.
I second what Ohio said Jeff.
I hope your writing helps you. I also hope you know how much it helps all of us.
I appreciate this blog, Jeff, and the quality content you provide.
Jeff,
I understand what you are going through with depression. I myself have struggled with depression, as well as poverty and destitution throughout my entire life, so I know what it is like.
It can be debilitating at times. I feel terrible that my comment or comments somehow triggered this. As usual, I am the jerk here. and I apologize for that. I just hate losing, and Dodgers losing specifically triggers my negativity.
It’s probably because I’ve been a loser my entire life. I was born with a rare genetic disorder that prevented me from walking from age 2-12. I had to take physical therapy three times per week to learn how to walk. I have type 1 diabetes and have to inject insulin 5-7 times per day to stay alive.
On top of this, I have been poor my entire life. I have also been bullied, picked on, spit on my entire life. People have told me to kill myself. I’ve been beaten up, jumped, ridiculed. I have no children, and my site failed.
very few people left actually care if I remain on this planet. But I know how much joy this site has brought people. You’ve done a terrific job over here, you and Bear both.
I have a very thick skin, and I almost forget that other people don’t have as thick of skin as me. If you don’t want me to post over here anymore, I understand. Let me know if anything I post triggers you. I am very understanding to this, as I have sufferred from depression as well.
You can always reach out to me directly too if I go to far with negativity. I have a very negative view of the world and myself as you can see why.
I hope you feel better soon.
Scott, no one is expendable. Poverty? I have never had much in my life. Lost two wives to divorce, rarely see or speak to my kids. Usually when one of the grandkids, except my oldest, gets in touch, it is to ask for money. Lived in a foster home with an abusive foster father. Abandoned by my mother at age 10. So, I feel your pain. I have fought off depression many times and the way I defeat it is with sarcastic humor. As long as I can laugh, I am alive. My music helped me through so many dark days I cannot count them all. Most of my closest friends have passed on, my best friend just last November. My wakeup call came when I spent close to six weeks in the hospital last winter. Hell of a vacation huh? I am sure Jeff does not want you to quit posting, just tone down the Debbie Downer stuff. I used to post on your site; I thought it was a good place to meet likeminded Dodger fans. It was also where I had many a spirited debate with Mr. Timmons, a couple of which I thought would have come to blows had we met face to face in those days. As someone who posted there regularly, I will tell you this, your site would not have failed had you exercised a little more control of some of the more acid laced posts. For my part, you are welcome here.
I regret not moderating my site better. I have many regrets in my life. I’ve always been like this, super negative about everything. It’s hard to change. I was an angry kid, and the runt of the liter. I’ve been such a loser my whole life, it’s caused me to have this kind of attitude.
I didn’t know my comments were having this kind of effect on Jeff. I will tone it down. When you have been kicked, spit on told you’re a loser your entire life, it molds your view of the world.
Jeff is a much braver man than I am, going through such a horrible loss. I wish I could take back all of my negative comments. I will try and change.
Good for you. I got bullied until I smashed one of them in the mouth. Mostly left alone since then. Life can make you bitter. Been there done that. Army changed me a lot. Humor and music saved me. Loser is simply an attitude. You had enough guts to start your own site. That takes Hutzpah. Losers don’t do stuff like that.
Praying for you Jeff.
Wow, just wow.
Jeff and Scott, you have both made me realize once again how fortunate I am.
Although I am depressed with the general state of the world these days, I have never had anything close to clinical depression, nor have I have been bullied or suffered from poverty.
Jeff, I hope you realize what a light you shine on each of our days here, maintaining this site and allowing us to celebrate and, yes, sometimes blast, our favorite team. Know that we are here to support you in any way we can. Please don’t ever forget that you not only have your friends and family, but we’re here for you also.
And while I’m at it, I’d also like to thank you Bear for picking up the workload when it becomes too much for Jeff. Much appreciated.
Scott, I have no idea how many, if any of the readers here knew your backstory. You know your baseball so my personal opinion is that you could contribute a lot to this site if the vast majority of your posts weren’t so negative. Try and mix in some positive. It might actually make you feel better. And, after all, your favorite team is currently in first place so instead of telling us why they will fail, how about once in awhile celebrating their success at this point in the season.
I hope better days are ahead for both of you and hoping we can all celebrate another Dodger championship this year together.
Thank you Blue. I don’t know if you remember Eric, who I used to give a lot of grief to. When I learned, he was confined to a wheelchair, I became a lot more compassionate to his posts. I still disagreed with him a lot, but there was less vitriol between us.
I absolutely remember Eric. Hope he’s OK and that we’ll see him back here at some point.
I know all of Eric’s “backstory.” He is very challenged. I can’t say anymore.
Samuel Munoz promoted to Great Lakes. Sonja Chen reported 4 hours ago about Dean joining the team for this series with the Jays. A move will need to be made on the 40-man to accommodate him. He was a minor league contract signing last winter from the Atlanta Braves. Ruiz was optioned to OKC today, Dean is not in the starting lineup. Nastrini sent to OKC from the Arizona complex.
Jeff,
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. My deepest condolences.It puts our petty disagreements over a silly game into proper perspective.
Scott, you are not a loser in the eyes of the One who matters the most.
Bono?
Elon?
Jeff, I wish there were something I could do to help. If there is, let me know. I have the utmost respect for you and count you as a friend. I don’t need to spell it out. If I can do anything… let me know. I love you, brother!
Mark,
Since I want to turn a new leaf and not be so negative, I want to extend my apologies to you for the nasty things I’ve said in the past.
Being angry doesnt do anyone any good. I’ve been such a jerk over the years. I wish you health and success.
Apology accepted, Scott. We will talk sometime soon.
Mark, Thank you. You will never know how much you helped me when I needed it most. I will reach out to you in an email.
Godspeed, Jeff!
If you have good minor league coverage, I’ll be here every day.
Thank you for sharing your personal history with depression. Thankfully, I’ve never felt anything more than a prolonged… let’s call it a funk. A serious funk–enough to put my marriage on life support. I try to avoid the D-word because I know clinical depression is far worse. I’ve been close enough to the condition among family and friends to know that.
Anyway, I prefer to talk about baseball.
I think the Dodgers could have topped the Padres’ offer for Mason Miller but chose not to. It would have taken both quality and quantity. He is the ONLY target that I think really would merit an overpay because of his talent and the years of control. The Padres did well. Impossible to predict the future, but Miller is now one player who could stand between the Dodgers and the World Series.
Yes, the Dodgers lacked a prospect as hyped as De Vries–and I do mean “hype.” He’s just 18 and, sure, he might be God’s gift to SS–the next Alex Rodriguez and not the next Wander Franco. Lux was also rated very high, of course, but is he better than low draft pick Zach McKinstry? My overarching point here is that I think the prospect ratings are overrated. It’s a hype machines–and it often gets it wrong.
I wonder, for example, whether De Vries is far, far superior to the Dodgers’ young SS prospects: Emil Morales, Jeondry Vargas, Kellon Lindsay. Each of these guys could turn out to be the next Diego Cartaya–or an all-star. But is De Vries really a sure thing himself?
Without getting too deep into the weeds here, I’ll pose a question: Is De Vries > De Paula + Morales? Perhaps so. But if prospects are suspects until they prove otherwise, with two a team has a chance that one (perhaps both!) will pay off. Which is also why AF may be so stingy with prospects.
Kumbaya and shit
Glad to see Jeff & Mark bury the hatchet
Ive been reading both blogs daily for years
I enjoy your matoor perspectives and I think you both have intelligent enlightened views on baseball and tge Dodgers.
Mark is more of a contrarian & Jeff just knows ball.
Both of you suffered tragedies and continue giving to others.
Good men
Jeff and I never had a hatchet!
https://cereset.com/
I’ve mentioned this place before. Try it.
I’m hesitant to talk about my diagnosis on a public forum. Those who know me know.
What helped me was a drastic change in lifestyle. I quit drinking, quit smoking, became a vegetarian and I practice meditation daily. I also played competitive ball into my late 50’s, ran wilderness trails and hiked 14ers into my mid 60s. I realize this won’t work for everyone, but I am quite certain if I hadn’t made these changes I would not be here today.
Quitting drinking in 1990 helped me curb my temper. Getting divorced gave me solace and peace. Made bad choices and some good ones. Music kept me sane.
Jeff, It takes courage to open up your soul for all of us to read. And I’m so glad you did. I hope it is therapeutic in some way to get this off your chest.
It’s so easy now days with social media to act and say things that we would never do to someone face to face. We seldom consider what hurt we cause with the negativity and personal comments.
I occasional point out the “players aren’t robots”. Well all of the voices here aren’t robots either. It is wise to think before we comment and make a better attempts to understand that others may be suffering from things we don’t know.
Empathy has been lost by the faceless interactions on a computer chat. I try to refrain from saying things while hiding behind a screen, that I wouldn’t say to someone face to face.
Jeff, Bear and Scott, I hope you sharing your stories will perhaps turn over a new chapter for all of us to be more kind and empathetic to others.
After all, we are all mostly old folks with tons of miles and accumulated knowledge. We come together here because we love baseball in general and the Dodgers in particular. We all matter. The old axiom of “if you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all” is really true. We should all try it.
This has opened my eyes. Bless you all for sharing your stories, especially you Jeff.
Can we all disagree without being disagreeable? Winning every conversation or trying to prove you’re the sharpest knife in the drawer at the expense of others is NOT the goal.
I will rededicate myself to double my efforts with that, starting right now. Please join me.
Thanks Phil. It took me a long time to learn to control my temper which was at one point, mercurial. Once I got control of that, many things changed. But I also admit there are times when something is posted that I am close to ripping out what little hair I have left. But because I am a realist, I understand that these players have lives outside of baseball, and there are things that go on in those lives which can affect their play. Just look what Freeman went through last season with his son, and then the injury to his ankle. Yet who stepped up his game when it mattered most? Freddie. He will be forever loved in LA for his performance in the World Series. Not unlike Kirk Gibson, who is revered yet he had only that one season of excellence as a Dodger. Mookie has to be going through stuff behind the scenes that we have not one clue of. That is why I went postal on Bradley when he said some really stupid shit about Mookie. If you don’t know the whole story, excuse my French, shut the fuck up.
Amen
Jeff, I think it was very brave of you to write about this personal part of your life. I hope writing about this helped you a little, and that you start feeling better. Thanks for keeping this sight going.
Thank you. Writing does help me.
Same here my friend.